How bad bosses are like online trolls


Online trolls fish for attention. They often make outlandish, sometimes controversial comments because they want to position themselves as in-the-know while dismissing and demeaning others. It’s a desperate attempt to feel important, and it stems from insecurity. When we look at online trolls, we see their behavior as ridiculous.

How we get over bully bosses
Does the description of online trolls sound familiar? Dismissive, demeaning, self-important, insecure. Sounds like your bully boss, doesn’t it?

So how do we use this comparison to get over bully bosses? While the answer is simple, the action is complex. Bully bosses use gaslighting to convince us we’re the problem — we’re sensitive or overreacting. But they’re only brainwashing us so they don’t have to take responsibility for their behavior. Once we slowly see the brainwashing as lies and the bully behavior as childish, we start to dig ourselves out of the misery. We slowly see we’re not the problem. It’s liberating. (This process also goes for gaslighting experienced in childhood by a parent or sibling that workplace bullying might trigger.)

In fact, Inc. Magazine reports that it’s humility that we should look for in managers and leaders. “When prolific consultant, author, and lecturer Jim Collins wrote about top leaders in his seminal book Good to Great, he said that they have mastered the paradoxical balance of personal humility and fierce resolve. Collins determined from his extensive research that these respected leaders direct their ego away from themselves to the larger goal of leading their company to greatness,” said Marcel Schwantes in “Want Your Employees to Respect You? Give Them the 1 Thing Most Bosses Never Do.”

You are above any nonsense. The more you see immature behavior as beneath you, just like online trolling, the easier it will be to heal.


Why working for controlling managers is a complete waste of your time

Sad businesswoman

We as advocates know how to recognize bullying at work. But to create a more compassionate culture, it’s not enough to identify what’s wrong. If you were thrust into a leadership position yourself, would you know how to create a positive culture for your employees?

If we look at management effectiveness on a continuum, we put effective management (using empathy, humility, teamwork, respect, and empowerment) on one end and ineffective management (abuse) on the other. At various points along the continuum, we’d have some positive tactics (consistent communication, celebrating wins, honoring employees’ expertise) and some negative tactics (micromanagement, pulling rank, ignoring issues, positioning above grunt work, denying employees opportunities without explanation).

The bottom line
Regardless of whether or not bosses lead well 100 percent of the time, we can watch their actions to understand their underlying management philosophies. The bottom line is that managers who look out for the organization most often lead well, while managers who look out for themselves don’t.

  • Managers who look out for the organization. When the organization’s success is a priority over one’s ego, managers understand that empowering employees and letting them own their positions encourages creativity and productivity. When managers treat people at any level as fellow humans rather than enforce a hierarchy to serve their egos, they listen and respond to their needs. They build people rather than power-trip them.
  • Managers who look out for themselves. “Me” managers, or “I’m so important” managers, are all about enforcing a hierarchy to make themselves feel important. They have a need to control because they simply don’t trust their employees. (If they know how to do their employees’ jobs so well, why’d they hire them in the first place?)

When you begin to look at managers’ behavior in contexts of effective vs. non-effective, or looking out for the organization vs. looking out for their own egos, you see that anything beyond general patterns of looking out for the organization (and therefore you as a valued member of it) is beneath you. Don’t be fooled by managers who pretend they care about the organization but then don’t fully value your skills or respect your feedback. It’s a lose-lose approach to the you and the whole organization. Accept they’re not worth your time and look for another job (or better yet work for yourself).

How grabbing power sets the stage for bullying


A great leader creates a positive work culture with empathy, humility, teamwork, and the idea that empowering employees not only shows them respect but also encourages productivity. It’s building people versus power-tripping people, looking out for the organization and the team versus one’s ego.

When a manager isn’t a leader, the entitled power-tripping can play out in such ways as:

  • Micromanagement
  • Pulling rank
  • Ignoring issues that matter to employees
  • Positioning themselves above grunt work
  • Denying employees opportunities without explanation

When the boss isn’t the power-tripper
When the power-tripper is a co-worker, often he or she will just take the power. I call this move the “power grab,” and I’ve witnessed it so many times both on the job and in my volunteer work. Someone on your level (or in the case of volunteer work, any level) simply starts acting like he or she can boss you around. It’s a gross move that sets up a hierarchy and often sets the stage for bullying. When you stand up to it, your self-respect is often met with gaslighting, as the power-tripper tries to excuse the behavior by acting like you’re crazy.

So how do we deal with it? First, remember that you aren’t the problem. Second, you can set boundaries by sending back a clear message that you’re neither intimidated nor confused, according to UK Psychologist Aryanne Oade. This process involves:

  • Recognizing the bullying behavior.
  • Being clear that it’s bullying by feeling confused and asking the right questions.
  • Protecting your boundaries in response to the aggression and intimidation.
  • Remaining assertive against the grooming instead of remaining silent or submissive.

Here are the steps to set boundaries with a bully:

  1. Be confused. If you’re confused in the moment, you’re being groomed.
  2. Choose to speak up. Don’t miss the moment. “The very fact of articulating a clear and relaxed response will change the dynamic evolving between the target and the bully and send a message to the bully that the target knows what they are doing and knows how to protect themselves,” says Oade.
  3. Ask for clarification or directly disagree with the bully. It’s not enough to simply say something. What you say is also important. You want to give the bully consequences to deal with in the moment instead of staying confused and anxious.

If the bully is indirect, ask him what he means. Let him explain himself.

If the bully is direct, directly disagree with him to show you have your own mind.

I’ve seen choosing power and control versus teamwork all too often, even among those who support healthy workplaces. It’s important we remind bullies of any kind how we are to be treated to reinforce what healthy relationships look like.

A new strategy to end workplace bullying

City Town

We have a goal of making 40,000 phone calls by the end of 2017 — with a big goal of passing workplace anti-bullying legislation by the summer of 2018, when this two-year legislative session ends.

The plan

The purpose of these calls is to let these people know what workplace bullying is and that we need them to call their state legislators to make it illegal. It’s really that simple.

We’ll call voters in the yellow towns on the above map. The goal: to get those state legislators for those yellow towns to support the workplace anti-bullying Healthy Workplace Bill to get enough of a backing in the State House to pass the bill. The gray towns are where we currently have co-sponsors, so our goal is to turn those yellow towns gray.

How we came up with this plan

Because we have limited time and people, we want to be strategic. Campaign managers say time and time again that using voter data to reach out face-to-face or on the phone is the most effective way to get people to act.

If we look at demographics, we know that:

  • Women ages 30-54 are most likely to get bullied at work.
  • Democrats and voters in state elections are most likely to take political action (since they’ve taken political action before by voting).
  • Cities and towns where sick leave pay most overwhelmingly passed in 2014 are the most progressive, so their state legislators will be the most likely to push for workplace anti-bullying legislation.

So we obtained voter data of Democratic women ages 30-54 who took action by voting in the last state election in the most progressive towns of the state where we do not already have official legislative support. Those are the yellow towns on the map above, and the number of phone numbers we have is roughly 40,000.

They’re the group most likely to have experienced workplace bullying and most likely to take action.

We need your help

All you need is an email address, and we’ll share a Google doc with you that outlines instructions, names and numbers, and scripts. It’s incredibly easy, and you can make as many calls in your spare time as you’d like before 9pm. (If you’re not in Massachusetts, you can still help. If one state passes the bill, it will be that much easier for other states to pass it.)

No more trainings. No more Google Hangouts. Nothing’s required except a phone, a computer, and your awareness that you can make a difference in helping to pass this bill and make history.

Sign up by emailing us with your interest »

New study shows worsening of work relationships since election

Bullying concept in workplace with angry and afraid eggs charact

The Workplace Bullying Institute just released key findings of its 2017 U.S. Workplace Bullying Survey:

• 19% of Americans are bullied, another 19% witness it
• 61% of Americans are aware of abusive conduct in the workplace
• 60 million Americans are affected by it (roughly equal to the number of people who live in California and New York combined)
• 70% of perpetrators are men; 60% of targets are women
• Hispanics are the most frequently bullied race
• 61% of bullies are bosses, the majority (63%) operate alone
• 40% of bullied targets are believed to suffer adverse health effects
• 29% of targets remain silent about their experiences
• 71% of employer reactions are harmful to targets
• 60% of coworker reactions are harmful to targets
• To stop it, 65% of targets lose their original jobs
• 77% of Americans support enacting a new law
• 45% report worsening of work relationships, post-Trump election

What’s striking is that nearly half of respondents observe their work cultures worsening since the election. (Read what one organization is doing about it.) So workplace bullying is on employees’ radar now more than ever.

Phonebank to make workplace bullying illegal

City Town

Using voter data to reach out face-to-face or on the phone is the most effective way to get people to act. So we researched towns where sick leave passed most overwhelmingly in the 2014 gubernatorial election to identify those towns where voters would most likely contact their state legislators about workplace anti-bullying law (in yellow above). We’ll call voters in these areas so we can turn those yellow towns gray (where we currently have a state rep and/or state senator as a co-sponsor).

In this training, we’ll walk through:

  • The why behind the strategy
  • Who to call to urge to call their state legislators
  • What to say using a script you can customize

The goal: to get those state legislators for those yellow towns to support the workplace anti-bullying Healthy Workplace Bill to get enough of a backing in the State House to pass the bill.

When: Wednesday, June 21, 7-8pm
Where: Community Room at Morse Institute Library, 14 E. Central Street, Natick, MA

(If you can’t make that night or if Natick is too far away for you, comment on the event with where and what weeknights might work for you in general. If we have enough interest, we’ll schedule either another location or an online training.)

Sign up »

Broadway’s “Sweat” addresses workplace culture — and says we need to take care of each other


The New York Times calls Lynn Nottage’s Broadway hit “Sweat” “the first work from a major American playwright to summon, with empathy and without judgment, the nationwide anxiety that helped put Donald J. Trump in the White House.” But the play that won Nottage the Pulitzer Prize also addresses the culture under which workplace bullying festers.

“Sweat” tells the story of factory workers in a poor Pennsylvania city and their struggle to stay afloat financially while their steel factory declines. In Nottage’s heartbreaking story set almost entirely in a bar, characters clearly relay their distinct points of view with both compassion and rage. Each character represents an overarching issue — class, race, or immigration — while she fights for her hard-earned piece of the pie.

The show ends with a major insight about our culture: when one character experiences a life transformation due to an event, one character says “it’s nice that you take care of him.” And the other character responds “that’s how it oughta be.”

It’s not just workers in declining factories who experience fighting for a piece of the pie. It’s workers in workplaces throughout the nation who claw at each other (often in the form of workplace bullying) in competitive cutthroat cultures modeled at the top of organizations. Rather than collaborate for the collective success of the organization, workplace bullies fight for power, using abuse to push down workers whose competence and work ethic threaten their position and bringing down the organization’s potential. Studies support that managers who treat their employees like humans get better results.

If we want healthy workplaces, we need to start taking care of each other. That’s how it oughta be.