Tagged: emotions

Why we need to focus on the bullies, not the bullied

Woman yelling into a bullhorn on an urban street

Simply put, to end workplace bullying, we focus on the actual root of the problem: the bullies. Why? We keep the focus on the bullies as the problem — not how targets react or what personality traits might be flawed (especially since it’s the strengths of the target that puts him or her at risk).

Why bullies bully

Sociopaths can’t empathize (put themselves in others’ shoes) because they’re so completely cut off from their own emotions — particularly fear, hurt, and vulnerability, which they see as a shameful weakness.
“If you can’t feel your own emotions, you can’t resonate and empathize with the emotions of other people,” says Joseph Burgo, Ph.D., a psychotherapist and author of The Narcissist You Know: Defending Yourself Against Extreme Narcissists in an All-About-Me World.

More on why a bully bullies:

Coping with workplace bullying by challenging thought patterns


Thoughts lead to emotions, and emotions can spiral out of control, leaving you feeling helpless, depressed, and anxious. That’s one of the lessons from a 5-week class I’m taking called “Secrets to a Satisfied Life,” a course about taking control of your life path and inner peace.

Last night, the teacher introduced a “challenging beliefs worksheet” used in cognitive behavioral therapy for Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), a disorder common with veterans and workplace bullying targets (bullying can cause shock to a positive, trusting worldview).

The idea with the worksheet is to change a pattern of problematic thinking and reframe it. Do you have evidence? Are you confusing the possible with the likely? Are you jumping to conclusions? Are you oversimplifying a problem? (This coping technique by no means excuses workplace bullying. It is simply a way to help you unteach yourself the bully’s toxic lessons.)

Walking through reframing a thought pattern
For example, you might believe you’re incompetent because your boss treats you like you are. Following the worksheet:

A. She may have belittled you at a meeting or given you unreasonable expectations.

B. Your stuck point may be that you’re not good enough.

C. You might feel hurt, angry, or resentful.

D. You challenge the thought. You may realize that you’re accepting an untruth.

E. You might decide that your boss puffs up her feathers and belittles and acts pompous when she’s threatened by your competence. Your worry about your own self-worth missed that importance piece of the puzzle.

F. When she belittles you next time, you can say to yourself “this belittling is just her insecurity talking. It has nothing to do with me, but I’ll take it as a back-handed compliment.”

G. Now you realize you are good enough — better than good enough, actually.

H. You feel much better.

Try these steps next time you’re bullied or you find yourself in negative self-talk or overwhelmed with negative emotions. See if it will help you separate yourself from your bully’s toxic worldview and understand it has nothing to do with you.

Worksheet source: https://cpt.musc.edu/resource_info/challenging_beliefs.pdf